Big Kahoona

Transsexual jailed for lying about gender, fights for right to marry as woman

She was born a man, became a woman, was betrothed to a man, and then was thrown in jail for it.

Now, instead of paying a $500 fine on charges she lied about her gender, Sandy Gast is waging a legal battle for transsexual rights in Kansas.

Back story: The defense lawyer explained that transsexuality is a birth defect where you have the physiology of one gender, but you were really meant to be the other gender. Some people, however, argue that transsexuality is a perverted choice.

To make matters more complicated, Gast is gay. Transsexuality has to do with sexual identification (who you are inside), while homosexuality has to do with sexual orientation (who you’re attracted to). These two phenomena don’t always occur together.

When I interviewed the defense lawyer, I tried to be as sensitive as I could. He maintained that the Kansas prosecutors and Christians were bigots. The lawyer seemed to like me and said I was smart and would go far in life (then again, lawyers are good at sweet talking). Oh, if he only knew I was a Christian.

For the record, I believe that homosexuality is wrong, but I don’t believe in gay discrimination. In my view, everyone is born into sin. Have you ever lied? Have you ever felt jealous? Of course! Everyone has, because we’re human. But I don’t hate liars, just as I don’t hate gay people. I don’t doubt that being gay is natural for some people, just as being lazy comes naturally to me. Just because something comes naturally, it doesn’t mean it’s right.

In terms of transsexuality, I’ve heard about people in third-world countries who were born with both male and female body parts. When doctors chose the sex for the babies (you know, through surgical procedures), the kids would grow up and feel that the doctors chose wrong. I think transsexualty can be based on a physiological birth defect.

My point is, I kicked myself for not telling the lawyer what I really believed. I think it’s sad that the stereotypical Christian is portayed as a condescending, “fire and brimstone” bigot. Then again, I’m supposed to be an impartial journalist, so expressing my opinion could have been innapropriate.

Green means you are horny
As those of you who don’t frequently ask questions like “which hand is my left?” and “does this library carry ‘Go Dog Go?’” should know (that rhymed), today is Saint Patrick’s Day.

So you’re a single guy. You aren’t to good looking, you often times stink and your favorite things in life include Metal Gear Solid and assorted Jelly Beans. And now you’re wondering how a lonely fool like yourself can pick up girls. Well I’m here to answer all of you’re questions with a little guide I like to call: A Gamer’s Guide To Getting Laid. …Just think of this thing as a Strategy Guide, but instead of it being for a game, it’s for the opposite sex.

Step #1: Approaching The Women Here’s the scenario, you’re at a bar, and you see this beautiful women sitting right next to you having a drink. Here’s what you do. Slowly turn to her and say; “Hey baby I noticed you have large soft boobies. I like boobies. Especially soft ones. Can I buy those two a beer?” After you slip her that line, you have to keep the talk going by asking questions. Start out with things like “So, do you play Everquest?” and “What’s your favorite Final Fantasy?” She’ll be yours in no time!

Step #2: Taking The Girl Home Its been a long night, and you and your girl are still at the bar. Its 99% likely that she’s drunk by now. And since she’s drunk, you MIGHT actually seem interesting. This is the perfect time to take her home! Just simply say to her; “Hey bitch, enough of the small talk, I wanna shag you like two pigs in the mud” She’ll then reply with a swift “Sure honey, whatever you say.” Before you know it, you’ll have the girl in your 86’ Ford truck and on the way to your home.

Step #3: The Girl Is At Your House By now you should have the girl at your house (or in your case your trailer). To get the mood just right, you should put on some nice soft music. Unfortunately the only CD you own is a Van Halen’s greatest hit album, but no need to worry, you can just skip all that crap and go straight for the girl. Show her around (but skip all of the rooms) and go straight to your bedroom. Make sure to hide your Gameboy though, chicks aren’t into Pokemon.

Step #4: The Good Stuff Ask her to test out how soft your mattress is by laying down on it. Once she does, than jump on her like she’s a trampoline. The girl will go along with things, and you will finally get to have sex (not that crappy cyber sex stuff you tried before) but REAL sex! Good for you. You finally lost your virginity. And who cares if its your first time at age 23, the important thing is; you’ve finally done it.

Step # 5: Afterwards: 1 minute and 34 seconds later you’ll be done with sex, because lets face it; you blew your load to soon. Oh well. You can still keep her occupied with a good game of Mario Kart 64. Chicks are into go-carts so she’ll most likely enjoy the game. After that night, she’ll call you again and again. But its not because she likes you, she just wants to play with your videogames. (But does that really matter?) Its still a girl in your house.

There you have it. You too can get laid by following this easy guide. Best of luck. And remember… no Pokemon.